Beyond the Bounds of Decency

Sunday, December 07, 2008

I seem to be having a little disagreement over on a news story. It seems that an RSO advocate, a demented woman going by the name Jan Fewell has decided to take it upon herself to look up people she feels could possibly be Romeo & Juliet cases on the sex offender registry, then look up the court records, obtain the victims name and call them on the phone to ask them if they were really sexually assaulted or not. Yes indeed, she's recruiting activists from the victim pool.

I am in shock. I am in shock not only that she did it, but she's defending it. She's defending it by trying to claim that I don't know the difference between a victim and a teenager who had consensual sex with their boyfriend. I'm claiming that she doesn't know if the person she calls is a victim or a teenager who had consensual sex with their boyfriend.

I have no more words in me for this type of behavior. This goes beyond anything I've ever witnessed in my life. It surpasses Cheryl Griffths claim that CSA victims are lower than the offender. That being said, I think we should bring back the voice of the victim. They are the reason we are here after all. THEY are the voices who matter the most.

This is the first voice that touched me. The one who inspired me, the one who helped me most to understand. Sometimes brutal - sometimes raw - sometimes poetic, it is the voice of so many children who don't have the ability even as adults to speak out about their experiences. It is the voice of a courageous woman, a hero. A woman often misunderstood by many but always honest with herself - and with us.

What kind of legacy will you leave behind?

I have the power and the goodness to overcome depression.
I have all it takes to be me and value my self.
I am valuable to myself which is all that really matters.
No one can take that away from me.

Child abuse did not steal my soul
God saved it.

They did however try to
and try to and try to and try to
All of them, who harvested the skin off my body
who stole the innocence I once was
supposed to be -as a little girl-
I was supposed to enjoy the world-and now-
my world is too young to be gray and frail and..... dying.
but it is
I can scream,
it won't stop
I can run far away,
it won't stop.

Life begins and ends.
You leave chunks behind when you die-
some bigger or smaller than others-
those chunks live on in all sorts of ways.
They can be people or a lover's memory or newspaper clippings.
Photographs, letters, an archive, or a family reunion.

Legacies of you.
Pieces of time remain- still frozen-
a laugh
a smile
a hug
a word
that you gave someone,
remains forever.

... like a scar.

Posted by ~**Violet Leaves**~

Thursday, November 23, 2006

And now for another voice. One I only came in contact with a few short months ago during the SOA fiasco. This one just as powerful but in a different sort of way. Violet tells you what it feels like and lets you work out your own conclusions. This voice is straight up "this is how it is". Two voices, each with the same message. Take your pick. They are both the voices of experience and no amount of denial or rationalization or minimization in the world will change these simple truths.

Here's the victim's chair, if you want one.

Yes, I'm a survivor of CSA. By several people. I've been in therapy off and on for almost 30 years. I'm a LOT better. However, here are things I will likely have to live with for the rest of my life.

1. There are pictures of me circulating, WHILE I was being abused. I don't know if they're on the internet yet, but they are out there, and I know this for a fact, since a) I was actually there (duh) when they were being taken, and b) I saw a copy of one over 10 years after it was taken. Take your pic off the registry? Take MINE out of the hands of the people who have them.

2. I have trust issues, because 2 of the people I was abused by were people I loved. I am in a very healthy relationship, and have been for some time, but we have had to have lots of very deep talks, and he knows that the slightest change in his behavior can trigger me. Luckily, since I have had therapy, and am with a man who adores me and tries his very best to understand me, I can quickly say "back off" and we both know what this means. It means that I am afraid that he is going to turn into "the monster," the same way my abusers would turn from being what they were in public situations to what they really were, behind closed doors. That's not likely to go away. Ever.

3. There are certain physical characteristics of two of my abusers that were the same, and will trigger me if I encounter them. I have gone through extensive treatment to try to defeat this, such as desensitization therapy, to no avail. Over 30 years later, a certain physical characteristic I see in someone can make me have to go literally vomit in the bathroom (if I can make it that far). That makes it hard to even go to the grocery store, etc. Yeah, RSOs have it rough.

4. I still have to see one of my abusers at funerals, and such. I remember at the last one, thinking, well, shit, if SHE would just die, that would be the last funeral I'd have to be physically ill at (not hers, the one BEFORE hers).

5. I worry every single day about the children of my abusers. They were never remorseful. It makes me wonder, and it makes me worry.

6. I've seen one person, in my whole life, who seems remorseful about this, and that is Met. I've never seen it before or after. I don't have nearly the guilt about this as I used to, but it's still there, and when I see RSOs blame their victims over and over, I worry about the thousands of victims in this world who have to read that crap, and have their guilty feelings reinforced. For most of us, it doesn't matter how many times we're told "It's not your fault," it's an emotion, and it's not a logical ideal that we can just get on board with.

7. Just the names. All 5 have very common names. Every time I hear the names, it echoes through my head over and over, and I have to do some very active and purposeful chanting in my head to get it to stop.

8. I still have problems with food and sleep. One of my abusers brainwashed me by giving me only the amount of food and sleep I needed to stay alive. My stomach was never full, and I was always tired. Nowdays, try to interrupt me when I'm eating or sleeping and I become FURIOUS. Luckily, through counseling, I can swallow that fury and not lash out at innocent people who have no idea what they've done, but the fury is still there, and it is anything but pleasant.

9. For years and years, I equated love with sex. You can imagine where that led me in my teen years, and older. That's getting a lot better, but that, in itself, is a life sentence for most of us, and has caused many deaths due to risky behavior because of that equation.

10. See this list? Another list of 10. Why's that? Well, when you are not in control of your life and are being abused for a long period of your childhood, you overcompensate in other ways.

So, there's just a part of my life. I figure I have another 40 years left to keep working on it, and you guys love to scream "YOU NEED HELP!" Well, yes, I still need help, and I've gotten help. Unlike some of you would like to believe, we don't just go to a therapist for a little while, get our certification, and then just go about our lives as if nothing ever happened.

Why should you be able to?
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